Whenever you are considering making any significant changes, one of the first things to ask yourself is “what will it take for me to be successful?”
You would be surprised how many people do not think through what it will take or cost them to be successful. Impulsivity is not the best way to start a new self-improvement project. Becoming aware of a need to change is the first step. Deciding to make a change is the second step. How you formulate your plans is where success and failure coexist.
“Sometimes, we miss the truth when it's right in front of us…. Sometimes the closer we are, the harder it is to see.” ― Jacqueline Simon Gunn
Change experts report greater success occurs when people close to you know what you are trying to accomplish. With coaching, it is important to have a ‘circle of trust’ around you. You may never need them but it is still good to have friends and family engaged in your change process.
“When my circle got smaller, my vision got clearer. There is strength in loyalty, not numbers.” ― Trent Shelton
Who you include is up to you. This can be a make or break process, too. Just because they are a friend or a family member does not make them a good supporter and a circle of trust candidate. Sometimes it is necessary to cull the herd down to folks that you know will 1) provide support and 2) will challenge you. Both of these have to be unconditional. Knowing someone has your back emotionally makes it easier to accomplish some of those stretch goals needed to effect positive change. It would be great if you could count on them financially but that may be the deciding factor for them in supporting or not supporting you. I am all in favor of spiritual support, too.
Knowing people will question, confront and challenge you along the way is essential. Your circle of trust has to include people trusted to challenge you. To challenge you, means they can support you by pushing your thinking and reasoning when needed. Challenge does not mean they are going to tease or shame you. Challenge also doesn’t mean be a ‘Yes man’ for you, either.
“Your follower is not always your fan” ― Salman Patel (among others)
Challenging is a delicate test of a relationship, too. While working with a client facing a series of obstacles and missing deadlines. He was beginning to derail his progress and his dreams. I asked him to reach out to a particular person whom he considered a mentor in the past. Well, he did and they talked. When the client reported back to me, he had not only completed several tasks but also made significant strides on the tasks they were behind on. When I asked about the sudden change, the client told me his mentor called him a ‘punk’. Turns out the mentor had an inside angle on the client’s emotional past and ‘punk’ was word that had great meaning and context to him. The conversation was motivating and the word ‘punk’ was a negative reference to the client but also a motivator kicking the client into action and fortifying his resolve and accomplish his goals. The mentor rightfully gained a spot in my client’s circle of trust.
Creating a circle of trust does make you vulnerable but in a positive way not a negative way. Being vulnerable is part of the growth process. For some clients making radical life changes, creating a circle of trust is tricky. For a client doing alcohol or drug recovery, it is important to exclude the people who were part of their using/party life. Those folks are likely to sabotage recovery efforts or worse lead the client to self-sabotage their recovery. It is vital (i.e., deadly important) to include people part of the recovery life in the circle of trust. Family are often negative triggers for people in recovery so it takes special vetting to include or exclude them. The primary factor for bringing someone into your circle of trust is trust. Part of my role as a recovery coach is to help the client build their trust circle and maintain those relationships. Recovery work is very gut-wrenching emotionally and spiritually. For that reason, I personally like to meet them and build some rapport.
Quick Recap
The operative word in circle of trust is the word trust. Along with trust goes respect. The people you will want and need in your circle of trust will also be people you respect for their opinion. You will also know they respect you as an individual. So avoid selecting people whom you question their trust and respect for you, there are others who will be excited to join you on your journey as part of your circle of trust. Don’t overlook someone. It may be an unconscious hurt or disappointment in your relationship. The question is what it you or them. It may be time to heal the rift and bringing them into your circle may be part of the reconciliation.
"Most good relationships are built on mutual trust and respect." - Mona Sutphen